I am going to come right out and say it...no clever introduction, no joke, not even an illustration to try and prove my point.........I am an awkward guy.
For some reason, the word "awkward" has always been associated with me. I really haven't thought about it very much, but it is true. Awkward and Charlie go together like Cookies and Cream, like Doug Funny and Patty Mayonnaise, like Kansas City professional sport teams and losing. There is no escaping that I'm awkward. I just got a sermon back from my expository preaching class and what do you know...the letters "A-W-K-W-A-R-D" written out on the front page about one of my main points. I really don't like being an awkward guy, but i guess i can't escape it!
Ever since I can remember, awkwardness has followed me wherever I went. I'm sure there are many stories from my early childhood about me being awkward, but I have a terrible memory.
In middle school I was dating a girl named Amy Cortez. She was in the 8th grade; I was in the 7th grade....enough said. I would probably consider Amy my first "real" girlfriend, not that I had a bunch of imaginary girlfriends running around, but she was the first girl I liked. My 5th grade girlfriend, Candace Pahmamie, was more like a friend. I think the reason I asked her to be my girlfriend was because my best friend liked her, so I did what was noble....I asked her to by my lady via a note with a "check-yes-or-no-box." Back to Amy, I had not previously had a "real" girlfriend, so that means I have never hugged a girlfriend...simple logic. One day when school had just let out, I was standing by her locker and we were planning what we were going to do that Friday night, so we finally agreed to go to the cornmaze with some of her friends. As she was leaving, she leaned in the for the hug. We embraced, and I gave her three pats on her back. Quickly she moved away from me exclaiming, "Am I your grandpa or something? Do you not know how to hug a girl?!" Embarrassed I shrugged and told her I would see her that night.
When it was coming close to the time Amy was going to pick me up to go to the cornmaze, I decided to go down the hill to my friend Alex's house. Luckily, Jonathan was at his house too. You see, Jonathan was and still is a ladies man. Actually, he is A lady man...he is married to a Godly woman named Kylee. But the reason I went down to Alex's house was to learn how to hug before the cornmaze which would inevitably end up with a good-night-hug. As I was walking back up to my house, I finally worked up the nerve to ask Jonathan how to hug a girl. By this time it was dark outside, and we were standing in the middle of the street. He told me how to hug a girl (which is still a mystery to this day for me), and finally he told me practice with him. We embraced and right in the middle of our hug, a car pulls up the road with its lights shining right on us. We both sprinted in opposite directions embarrassed that it might have been someone we knew. Unfortunately, I don't remember if I ever hugged Amy that night, but I do know that it was awkward learning how to hug in the middle of the street.
Another awkward moment in my life was about a year ago...remember there are many awkward moments in my life. I dated a girl for a while. It started in my high school years and it bled into my college years. Well, we both thought it would probably be for the best if we were no longer together. I was sitting in her car, and we just got done talking about the break-up. We decided to have one last hug. As I went in the for the hug, I let the loudest and stinkiest fart rip right in the middle of our hug. That....was awkward!
Seeing how these two stories of my awkwardness are both related to hugging, I think it is necessary to bring up my philosophy on the awkwardness of all hugging. Did you know that there are 5 different possible options when hugging a person. Your arms can be either on top, on the bottom, diagonal (2 ways), or a side hug. Besides this, you both have to decide what position each of your arms are going to be in. And you can't ask this question..you both have to basically read the other person's mind in order to execute a perfect hug. I don't know...this might not make sense to anybody else. Hugging is just an awkward process.
Well I don't know if i will ever be able to escape the awkwardness that is Charlie Landis. I really hope I do because I don't know many ladies out there looking for an awkward guy.
4 comments:
I feel like this is only the tip of the iceberg. You should start a whole series of posts about the awkward things you've done. And you didn't even mention the awkward things you say. That could take a year just in itself.
I agree with D-Heff! Oh man, this made me laugh not gonna lie. Thanks for brightening my day!
you know...if you practice hugging enough, it may become less awkward. however, if ozark is anything like ccu, then if you start hugging people, especially if they are girl, then people will start asking questions and before you know it you will be dating half the campus.
Charlie, I realize that we go to a Bible college...and that there is no math...but I would especially hope that you could at least remember simple math...you said there were five different ways to hug, but only listed four...so not only are you awkward with girls, hugging, and in speech, but you also can't count...and girls don't like awkward dummies...
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